PANTERA!!! Album Review

I wrote this back in 2008, but thought I should share it with the world.  Eventually I will get around to writing up a review of the whole discography.  For now, check out what I've got so far.

The first album is METAL MAGIC, which is a very appropriate title because the Minotaur on the cover is actually a mythological creature bred for its skills in magic.

First of all, WHAT THE HELL? Even back then there were four guys in the group so there really isn't an excuse for this album cover being let through. I mean, come on. Doesn't anyone have the balls to stop the madness? Please don't tell me that they all looked at the picture and said, "Oh yeah, Dudes!!! That is BADASS!!!"

It looks less like an album cover and more like a lame ass mural done for an Elementary School. YAAAAYYYYY Pumas!!!

Anyway, moving on, what the heck is that in the cat's hand, anyway? Is that supposed to be a weapon? If so it is the stupidest weapon I've ever seen. Looks more like a flippin' trowel than a knife. Come on, Pantera, have you ever seen what a sword or axe even looks like?

This is not a weapon. It is a trowel. Hmm. Maybe they are Masons or something.




Okay, on to the puma's belt. What is the point of the puma's gay ass fashion belt? He ain't got no pants!!!! But that doesn't matter, he has no reason to wear them anyway as he is the most effeminate beast I've ever seen. RRRrrrraaaarrr!!!! I bet inside that puma suit is a furry fetish fagdork just itchin' to cuddle and watch some Thundercats.

Now the puma's left hand is another issue altogether. That stupid kitty can't even throw the horns properly!!! At first I thought he was pointing to something. Then I looked closer and saw that he was making that stupid Gene Simmons' version of the horns. This actually means "I love you" in sign language.




Really, you can't get any LESS metal. Throw 'em proper, Jackass!!! It's not that hard. Even our retarded president can do it. See?

 

OK, OK. Moving on to the tracklisting:

Track Listing:

1. Ride My Rocket
What rocket? Your puma is obviously neutered. Why wouldn't we assume the same for the rest of you dorks.

2. I'll Be Alright
I will respectfully refrain from making mention of the obvious irony here.

3. Tell Me If You Want It
Want what? Your puma to come over and lay some bricks using his trusty trowel? Sure, why not?

4. Latest Lover
You mean there's been more than one? Shut up.

5. Biggest Part Of Me
He's obviously singing about his hair.

6. Metal Magic
There was obviously magic involved in convincing retarded glamrockers to buy such a hideous album.

7. Widowmaker
Apparently the husbands died laughing.

8. Nothin' On (But The Radio)
No kiddin, bros. No shoes, no shirt, no service. Belts don't count.

9. Sad Lover
Big friggin' surprise.

10. Rock Out
Which took longer? Coming up with this track title or choosing your album cover.

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OK, boys and girls the time is here for me to review Pantera's second album, "Projects in the Jungle". Now, first off, let me say that the cover is a huge improvement over "Metal Magic", though seriously, could it have possibly gotten any worse? No, it couldn't. So improvement here is most definitely a relative matter.

For those of you who aren't as studied on the topic of Pantera history, let me lay the background behind the development of the cover art.

[In a dirty, smelly garage somewhere in TX. Bong smoke permeates the air]
Panter Dude#1: Duuuuudes, we need to get a cover for our new album.
Pantera Dude#2: Yeah, Dude, it should be rad like our last album but more ass kickin'.
Pantera Dude#3: And more BITCHIN!!!!
All Pantera Dudes: HELL YEAH!!!
Pantera Dude#4: We could have it take place in an alley because alleys are all tough and dirty and totally metal.
Pantera Dude#2: Nah, it should be even more badass.
Pantera Dude#3: Since our mascot is a funky ass catbeast thingamajigger why don't we have the cover art in a jungle?
Pantera Dude #4: Yeah, jungles are bitchin!!!! Plus they're metaphormical!!!
Pantera Dudes 1,2, and 3: Meta-whatical?
Pantera Dude #4: I don't know.
Pantera Dude #1: So what takes place in this jungle?
Pantera Dude #2: A METAL CONCERT!!!!
All Pantera Dudes: HELL YEAH!!!
Pantera Dude#3: Starring us!!
Pantera Dude #2: Wait, these are some great ideas, but let's take a few more bong hits first.
[Pantera smokes three bongloads of crappy Mexican dirtweed]
Pantera Dude #3: So how are we playing a concert in the jungle?
Pantera Dude #2: On a stage, dumbass!!! Huh huh!!!
Pantera Dude #1: Yeah, a stage made out of giant demon hands!!!!
Pantera Dude #3: With like orange skin and black claws!!!
Pantera Dude #4: DUH!!!
Pantera Dude #2: And we're all wearing spandex, like in real life!
Pantera Dude #1: Yes and there's pot leaves growing all around us.
Pantera Dude #3: And the singer is straddling between the two hands like a homo.
Pantera Dude #2: Dude, don't say, "homo", we got an image to protect.
Pantera Dude #1: Hey, Dudes, stop the tongue kissing and get back to our album cover.
Pantera Dude #3: It's still missing something.
Pantera Dude #4: PYRO!!!!!!!!!
Pantera Dude #3: Actually I was thinking fans, but yeah, it needs pyro, too.
Pantera Dude #1: Pyro on top of speaker stacks!!!!!
All Pantera Dudes: HELL YEAH!!!!!
Pantera Dude #2: Back to the fans, we need to draw this like it is the biggest Pantera concert ever, so there needs to be like 40 people.
Pantera Dude #1: Come on, man, we want to keep it realistic. Let's make it 20.
Pantera Dude #3: This is going to be the best Pantera album ever!
All Pantera Dudes: HELL YEAH!!!!

It was from this fateful brainstorm meeting of these 20th century artistic geniuses that "Projects in the Jungle" was born.

Here is a track-by-track run down of the albums songs.

All Over Tonight -- Unfortunately, they lied and we were stuck with another 15 years of this crap. If you want to see the video for this, it's right here:

 

 Out For Blood -- Ooohh, look out kids. The skinny spandex vampires are coming to suck your blood and make high pitched noises.

Blue Light Turnin' Red -- Pantera was always too stoned to notice that traffic lights are actually GREEN and red, not blue

Like Fire -- Yes, they are like fire . . . FLAMING!!!

In Over My Head -- Wow, he's in there pretty far, ain't he?

Projects In The Jungle -- Be a shame to come up with such a rad album cover and not write a song about it.

Heavy Metal Rules -- In case anyone forgets why they listen to heavy metal, Pantera is here to remind us.

Only A Heartbeat Away -- Just like Dick Cheney.

Killers -- I will respectfully refrain from making mention of any tragically ironic song titles.

Takin' My Life -- Again, I will respectfully refrain from making mention of any tragically ironic song titles.

FILE UNDER: GAYER THAN GLITTER

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OK. Here’s the long awaited third Pantera album. But before I get into my review, let me first start by introducing you to the band. 

 

Did you catch it? Yeah, that’s right. Terry Glaze changed his name to Terrence Lee. Exciting, huh? Not really. OK, then. Enough of that crap. Let’s get on with the review . . .

“I Am The Night” is another release on the classic Metal Magic label (previous releases include “Metal Magic” and “Projects in the Jungle”) and is produced by “The Eldn”. Who is “The Eldn”? Diamond Darrell’s dad, that’s who. Unlike the previous two album covers however, where you could sort of figure out what the picture was supposed to be, this one leaves you scratching your head. I mean seriously, what the heck is this supposed to be? It sort of makes a face with a lame text smile. The P and A sort of have upside down crosses on them – ooh Satanic. Scary stuff. Is it a cymbal? I guess it could be a big pink diamond (they are a girl's best friend, right Darrell?). Anyway, the only logical explanation that I could come up with is that this is what the Giant Vortex of Poop looks like when you are staring it in the eye . . . I mean eyes. Worst album cover ever. On to the tracks . . . 1. Hot and Heavy 4.06 Ooh, hot diggity. That’s right, kids. Pantera is hot and heavy. Diamond Darrell looks to be about 80 lbs soaking wet so the heaviness must be referring to the combined weight of their hair plus all their bandannas. As for hot? Well ladies, if spandex and retardation is your cup of tea, then prepare to get horny. Of course they had a video for this track just to prove how hot and heavy they really were. It also answers the age old question – “How many douchebags can you fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?” Four. The answer is four. And yes, they did leave the wipers running. You see, when you’re in Pantera you’re too preoccupied with kickin’ ass and shopping for spandex and Aqua Net to give a crap about things like whether or not it’s actually raining, or whether or not someone actually stopped the car before you get out (a little brake trouble there -- try Midas, fellas). 2. I Am the Night 4.29 OK. If you say so. 3. Onward We Rock 3.58 Pantera covers some pretty unusual subject matter here as they proclaim that they rock, and will continue doing so . . . onward. This was pretty shocking in 1985. Pantera was probably the first and last metal band to ever sing about how they rock. Really, revolutionary. 4. D*G*T*T*M 1.45 It took me drinking 28 jars of Ovaltine to get my Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring so I could figure out what these letters stood for but I finally solved the mystery. It turns out that D*G*T*T*M is Klingon for “We suck, big time.” 5. Daughters of the Queen 4.18 Apparently the Abbots found out that they had in their long and rich ancestry a British Royal in their bloodline. So they got all giggly, had a tea party, and wrote a cute little song about it. Yippee. 6. Down Below 2.41 As the title suggests, this is about “down below”. On Pantera, “Down Below” you will find nothing of substance. Don’t even bother looking. 7. Come On Eyes 4.15 Pantera is sometimes too vulgar for me to describe. I will not be reviewing this song as I find it offensive and disgusting. People’s eyes are sacred and beautiful and should not be desecrated in any manner. Even for Pantera this is a little much. 8. Right on the Edge 4.06 Indeed they were. That fine edge that separates macho masculinity from flaming homosexuality. The edge between exploring the limits of glam rock and becoming a total cartoon jackass. The edge of adventuresome fashion that says, “One more bandanna and people will think you are Punky Brewster – Don’t do it.” It is a dangerous edge. Most people shy away from this edge. Pantera does DLR kung fu jump kicks off it. 9. Valhalla 4.05 Trailblazers, they were. Pantera was also the only known heavy metal to sing about Viking stuff. Yep, the only one. 10. Forever Tonight 4.10 A night of getting hot and heavy with Pantera will feel like forever. In conclusion, if you are a man who likes men who like men who like men that dress up like men who like men this is definitely the album for you.   Of course that won't stop me from getting down with Pantera though.  They are metal through and through!